time

we're all getting older.
and though getting older isn't inevitable,
we don't pay attention to the fact
that time is walking with us.
if we don't take the time to acknowledge
each day,
each hour,
each moment,
time will begin to walk ahead of us.
time will leave us.

meals

i remember learning about
a guy that decided
to disappear from the normal world
and go without eating
for days,
upon days,
and some how
i thought that starving myself
for a 56 days
would give me enough
clarity
so that I could feel refreshed.
I didnt.
And when 56
turned to 63 and
63 to 79,
i started feeling like i was
wasting away,
becoming nothing,
versus gaining the whole world
inside of me.
I began portioning my emotions,
like i was portioning my meals,
trying to keep myself
from
feeling wheezy from too much anger,
and too full from to much sadness.
i couldnt bite my tongue anymore
because
i kept spoonfuls of emotions
under it,
waiting
to spit them out
when I was alone in the room.
I couldn't find the ending.
I couldn't find the ending,
because I can still look at the mirror
and see my face
bloated with sadness,
my stomach stuffed with frustration,
and my fingers swollen with lonely.

greed

there is always a fear inside me that
one day,
when i walk outside, i will fall into the wrong hands,
that the one that i love,
will leave me for the one that decides to cook his favorite meal once a month,
instead of me trying to branch out to new recipes.
have you noticed how
we love the earth,
we love how spring time feels,
we love christmas in the white chilly winter,
but we still destroy it.
i fear
that I will be that,
that pretty flower,
that large tree,
and you will prefer me in a vase,
or as a balcony;
you'll fail to realize
flowers can't grow
without soil,
and water.
and you're going to try to love me
without soul,
and passion.
and you will fail.
and you will watch me wilt,
turn deep dark colors of sorrow,
you will leave.
you'll blame your greediness,
on me.

do not overthink it

there is a part of me
that wants to remind you
that you do not have to be an oak tree
in my forest.
you do not have to be a
superhero,
the president,
or a ceo.
you just have to be yourself.
but when you look at me
and wonder if
i'm going to
break your heart into
little pieces,
worrying about if
you're doing enough
or too little.
you are putting yourself on a
stage
that was not looking for a dramatic
performance.
i was looking for you.

history

chai tea.
microphones.
baguettes.
and the scent of dark liquors.

next time someone calls me a bitch,
i will proceed to punch them in the face.

i will not question what i did to deserve that treatment.

i will not cry.

i will inflict pain.
the one time waited on a heart, they took the peace from my time.

i could not focus on the seasons changing outside.

i could not go without reminders and reassurance.

i felt tied to a dead horse.

i was the dead horse.
i remember exactly how the handprint got on the wall,

i remember exactly how it felt.

(it is not me that is the freak, but shit those times were good too)  

i questioned whether a person can get too comfortable

with their hand around someone's throat.

with their hand around somebody's heart.
do i remember. yes.
i don't mind the memories much, they weren't all bad.
you weren't all bad.
i wasn't all bad.
a lot of it was good.
do i miss you?
sometimes the best answer to a question is hidden

somewhere where it doesn't need to be known

waiting for the right time to appear,

if to appear at all.

love doesn't fade,

real love.
but at the same time,
I'm not sure love hides,
or hurts,
or disappears.
I'm not sure what your mentality
made me out to be
when in reality,
it seemed like you hated me.
but that's okay,
I have nothing but respect for your grind
anyways.
Just don't act like it was me,
who urgently walked away.
I just didn't want to be that girl,
who gave you the world,
while you took the light
from her heart,
and left her with nothing but
an ball of darkness.
I would have waited for you,
but you tried to have a smart girl
doing stupid things,
and honey that's just not for me.
I still care for you,
I am still there for you.
But I don't have time to deal with mind
games,
you need to be upfront
with what you're wanting to say.
Or you need to just continue
admiring me
from a distance,
your call.
your choice.
I will always be surrounded by love,
regardless.

playing doctor

I cannot fix broken people.
it is not my place
to sweep up
all of your pieces,
and melt them back together.
I can not be your band-aid,
your antiseptic,
your doctor.
I can love you,
but my love does not come
with the requirement of
fixing you.
I cannot assure you that
I will be able to
keep you from falling apart,
however,
I can hold your hand
while you save yourself.
I can help you
by being there,
but I cannot be your only
help.

standing stagnant

you will not move far
if you keep your feet
so rooted in the ground
that you forget that
in order to grow
you have to move,
change,
be.
life is not as simple
as standing firmly
on the same ground,
never questioning
or testing
what you believe.

body image

dear body,
your democratic procedure
of letting
every muscle
and bone,
the blood,
and all of my cells,
make decisions on what is
best for me
is quite helpful.
however,
let my mind know
that even when my cheeks
expand
and look like tiny balloons,
and when my stomach
only slightly bulges out,
(right after i finished nachos
and a big glass of water),
that I am not a defined weight.
i am not a negative
connotation
that i make up in my head
by watching my favorite
television show,
or seeing girl one,
girl two,
and girl three
who probably have the same thoughts
that i do
late at night,
wondering why
my muffin top
does not look appetizing
as muffins are made to be.
remind my mind,
that i am here,
and i am beautiful
and my body is doing exactly
what it is supposed to.
growing.

beauty

when i moved,
the world got silent,
the room stopped spinning.
it's like i stopped everyone
dead in their tracks
and made them question
what kind of deal i made
with the universe
to turn out like this.

here

I tip toe across darkness
careful not
to cause any unnecessary
cracks
and creases
only to make my mind
worsen.
fall deeply
into an
infinite
experience
of night
and day
but within the mind
and the nighttime
isn't so pretty
inside the head.

light a candle.

for mother

sittin' on the couch,
for hours and hours
replayin' the same
funny lines from our
favorite movies.
the wind that blows
through the leaves.
you birthed me,
carrying me,
watching me sprout long legs,
a head full of hair,
scholarly,
creative,
full of confidence.
you did that.
you are the greatest gift
that mother earth could
have ever given me.
you are the
only gift that has ever mattered.
there shall never be a
day in which we part,
for you are always here,
and I am always here,
and we will always be in
each other's hearts.

there is no important reason why

you don't need to know about the
mole on her stomach,
that looks like a continent,
even though you feel like she pulled
him miles away from you.

you don't need to know about
how he felt doubt when it came to you,
because he thought of you like vanilla ice cream,
and he was more of a pistachio flavor kinda guy.

it isn't important to know
how many times he thinks of you,
if he thinks of you at all,
if you even know the path of his
mind anymore.

you just accept and let go,
move on,
move forward.
you need to remind yourself
how you loved before him,
and you will love after him.
you were always yourself
without him.