history

chai tea.
microphones.
baguettes.
and the scent of dark liquors.

next time someone calls me a bitch,
i will proceed to punch them in the face.

i will not question what i did to deserve that treatment.

i will not cry.

i will inflict pain.
the one time waited on a heart, they took the peace from my time.

i could not focus on the seasons changing outside.

i could not go without reminders and reassurance.

i felt tied to a dead horse.

i was the dead horse.
i remember exactly how the handprint got on the wall,

i remember exactly how it felt.

(it is not me that is the freak, but shit those times were good too)  

i questioned whether a person can get too comfortable

with their hand around someone's throat.

with their hand around somebody's heart.
do i remember. yes.
i don't mind the memories much, they weren't all bad.
you weren't all bad.
i wasn't all bad.
a lot of it was good.
do i miss you?
sometimes the best answer to a question is hidden

somewhere where it doesn't need to be known

waiting for the right time to appear,

if to appear at all.

love doesn't fade,

real love.
but at the same time,
I'm not sure love hides,
or hurts,
or disappears.
I'm not sure what your mentality
made me out to be
when in reality,
it seemed like you hated me.
but that's okay,
I have nothing but respect for your grind
anyways.
Just don't act like it was me,
who urgently walked away.
I just didn't want to be that girl,
who gave you the world,
while you took the light
from her heart,
and left her with nothing but
an ball of darkness.
I would have waited for you,
but you tried to have a smart girl
doing stupid things,
and honey that's just not for me.
I still care for you,
I am still there for you.
But I don't have time to deal with mind
games,
you need to be upfront
with what you're wanting to say.
Or you need to just continue
admiring me
from a distance,
your call.
your choice.
I will always be surrounded by love,
regardless.

there is no important reason why

you don't need to know about the
mole on her stomach,
that looks like a continent,
even though you feel like she pulled
him miles away from you.

you don't need to know about
how he felt doubt when it came to you,
because he thought of you like vanilla ice cream,
and he was more of a pistachio flavor kinda guy.

it isn't important to know
how many times he thinks of you,
if he thinks of you at all,
if you even know the path of his
mind anymore.

you just accept and let go,
move on,
move forward.
you need to remind yourself
how you loved before him,
and you will love after him.
you were always yourself
without him.

i wrote about you

I wrote about you,
not because my whole world evolved around you,
but because you were an entire world.
you were beauty.
you were an undocumented
species,
in the depths of the ocean
that we haven't even discovered yet.
I wrote about you,
not because you were calm,
but because you let passion
run through your fingers
into my heart.
you were a candle,
waiting to be lit,
a bomb,
waiting to go off.
I wrote about you,
not because I loved you,
but because my words loved you,
the pen, the ink,
the keyboard,
the screen,
the open document,
they loved you.
and I dare not ignore
what my mind tells me to
speak.
I wrote about you,
because you weren't mine,
you were all yours,
but you were able to share a piece
of you,
with me.

missed opportunities

i had to choose.
i had to choose or
you were going to be
the death of
my selfless loving
ways,
and my happy to compromise
behavior.
i had to choose.
because while you were
so busy,
searching for different
diamonds
and roses.
searching for the one
to hold your hand at
night,
and rub
the soft spot
below your hairline.
you were looking for
someone to
fluff your pillow
and cover you up
while you shivered
during your slumber.
someone to be the
ex-tra-ordinary
lover.
i thought it would have been me.
i thought that
making sure you were fed,
giving you your time,
scrubbing your back,
and sharing the most
intimate
moments with you
would have been it.
instead,
i could not have been your lover,
i know,
you love me,
but you don’t love me like
i love you.
i am deeply in love with you.
i am sure of you.
you are still searching.
now where does that leave me.

at least i was your something

it isn't hard

to see that

i am your

3 am thoughts,

your drunk words,

and i know that i always will be.

that's okay.

even if i can never be

the lover of your dreams,

nor the lover you

whisk away 

with lifelong

commitment,

it was a wonderful journey,

to be there,

while you were drinking your

vodka,

and you were 

waiting for your dreams

to come up 

to your eyes

late at night,

when you couldn't sleep.

walking

i hope that me leaving,
brings you a
breath of fresh air.
a relief,
a sense of a new leaf.
i hope you don't forget
the sun
waking us up in the morning.
i hope that you can see the
imprint of the smile
you left in my eyes.
i hope that you can see
the indent
me leaving,
has left in my mind.

spring fools

try and tell me
that i am not honey
to your wounds,
and i will question
why you ignore the
blatant truth.
my love spreads on your
body
like butter
on warm biscuits,
and goes deep
inside of you
like a humming bird,
tasting a sweet
hibiscus flower.
yet, you still act,
like i am not
the most beautiful
love
you have ever
encountered?

I can't keep silent about my love for you

I could tip toe across
the garden of flowers
in your heart,
But
I want to make my presence
a bit more known.

Soul Friends

I meet the most beautiful
people
by stumbling
into their storms
and dancing with them
in their rain.

lovers nature

I'll journey softly with you,
careful enough not
to ruin your leaves,
and upset your roots,
but beside you,
so you can know that
I am the wind,
gently blowing
with
you.

lovers holding

I am
holding
your hand
reminding you
of how warm
and close
love is.

Space

Maybe
my world
and your world
were meant to collide
and create a beautiful universe
on its own.
Something only we
would understand.

For Lee

Sophisticated individual

Falling

Into 

Life's complications

And frustrations,

trying to

keep the

peace and solitude

in your heart.

The joy.

you know you're worth a thousand

words

our memories are worth 

a thousand pictures. 

You are magnificent.

And I'm not fond of cliches

But 

You are still the mighty superman

in my comic book.

Let the sun

open up your heart

And shine light into the feelings

of hurt

in your soul. 

Let me place strong roots

that birth luscious trees

with the greenest leaves

and the sweetest fruit

inside of your heart

to intensify

your love. 

I happy you.

I happy your happy.

Journey

I
broke
many oceans,
climbed
many mountains,
cried
many tears
to get here.
my shoes are broken,
but my soul is
stronger,
now that I know
how
calm
alone is.

the cycle of forgettting

I didn't realize how badly
I wanted you around,
until you decided
to describe me
as something that you
constantly remember.
After not spending
over 15 years,
in the home
that nursed my scabbed
knees,
and held my
Sunday dinners,
I could barely remember
what color the walls were.
(how interesting is it
that I remember the short
rose bush
that housed pink roses,
outside in the front of the house)
I thought I would have a
harder time
remembering something
that I thought
I had forgotten.
I thought I had forgotten you.
Love showed me otherwise.
(The roses are still blooming)

love

love.

the nutrients that fuel

my every being,

pulling me closer to the

sunlight

on the dark days.

even when I feel alone,

I feel as though

love is still holding on to me.

grasping my hips,

holding my hand.

the maiden name

of my ancestors.

my destiny.

what I walk towards

every morning when

the sun whispers over my skin,

and the sound of birds

bury themselves inside of my

ears. 

beautiful.

love makes everything beautiful.

even the dirty things,

getting your toes muddy,

having your eyes 

covered in 

salt water.

still beautiful.

I've learned that love

is the very meaning

of my existence.

The very thing that

takes me out of the physical world

and puts my words

my spirit.

in the hearts of others.

one unfinished love story

I think that your
deep brown skin,
and your
smooth accent
heavy voice
could be good for me.
yet,
ill never let my mouth
whisper your name
until. . .

One Day, You will love me

to the man that will love me
unconditionally,
for eternity.
your gentleness is appreciated.
your sensitivity,
when the world tells you to be
hard,
is noticed,
and adored.
your strength to tell me
the truth,
even when it burns the
tip of your tongue,
I am thankful for that.
While you learn
the curves of my body,
as well as the change
in my tone,
patience will be understood,
forgiveness will be known,
love will always be there.

understanding

I want him to understand
that sometimes,
I am full of an innocent joy.
I will wake up,
as goofy as a child on an early Saturday morning,
and I will leave corny
love letters
throughout the day,
bringing across the laughter
of a youth
seeing a clown.
Other days,
I want him to be the fire inside of my mind,
and slightly burning up my thighs,
and the kisses on my neck,
and
I want him to be here,
beside me,
under me,
on top of me.
But..
sometimes, I am
cold.
I prefer to be left alone,
to experience my feelings
by myself.
Sometimes I will act like I don't
want him around,
but I will expect him to love me anyways.
I will expect him to love me anyways.
on the darkest days,
on the days where nothing but passion
flows out of my mouth,
and some days I will want the youth
of love.

me

I am combination of demons,
blended in with the most beautiful
flowers.
I am a thunderstorm,
on a summer day.
Don't let me
destroy you
with love.