intuition

i thought that if
i silenced you enough,
you would disappear.
i assumed that you
were here to destroy
everything i came across
with anxiety
and confusion.
like a rebellious teen,
i recognized what you could
be harming,
instead of
what you were really saving me from.

kingdom

there is nothing
more
painful
than watching
my black
brothers,
king made
beings,
with such
mighty blood
pumping
through strong veins,
being treated
with such
hatred.
they want you
to believe
that you are a carcass,
found on the side of the road,
with no significance,
only there
for the lowest of animals,
the dirtiest of animals
to feed off of your
death.
they forget your royalty.
you,
black men,
you belong at the top of the sun,
shining down,
glistening,
walking
with grace.
you,
black men,
you deserve to sit on
top of clouds,
smiling and laughing
and living life
with such glory.
blackness is not a disease.
it is a blessing.
and while the vultures,
the maggots,
work sun up
and sun down
to destroy you,
you will always
be the king
of this jungle.

lovers holding

I am
holding
your hand
reminding you
of how warm
and close
love is.

stop forcing yourself

I am starting to realize
that my alone time
is just as valuable
than my time with others.
I am learning this,
after years of forcing myself
to be in an overwhelming amount
of social situations,
for too long
for the sake of society's
"guidelines".
I am happier now.

do not ask for too much of something

There's a thin line
when receiving what you
have asked for.
Sometimes you receive
exactly what you want,
in a perfect amount.
Other times,
you get an overwhelming
flow of what
you thought you wanted,
but in abundance,
you realize you don't
want it much at all.
Ask for what you need.

understanding

I want him to understand
that sometimes,
I am full of an innocent joy.
I will wake up,
as goofy as a child on an early Saturday morning,
and I will leave corny
love letters
throughout the day,
bringing across the laughter
of a youth
seeing a clown.
Other days,
I want him to be the fire inside of my mind,
and slightly burning up my thighs,
and the kisses on my neck,
and
I want him to be here,
beside me,
under me,
on top of me.
But..
sometimes, I am
cold.
I prefer to be left alone,
to experience my feelings
by myself.
Sometimes I will act like I don't
want him around,
but I will expect him to love me anyways.
I will expect him to love me anyways.
on the darkest days,
on the days where nothing but passion
flows out of my mouth,
and some days I will want the youth
of love.

the motions of my mind

I am teaching myself
how to be comfortable with
crying one second,
then smiling the next.

distance

Distance was the best teacher for me,
about you.
And though you’re far away,
I constantly feel close,
to you.

thank you heart

When I find myself,
back to writing about the
trouble that you gave me,
I realize that my heart is
teaching me how to heal,
and then let go.

unwanted feelings

when you ask someone to leave,
when you tell someone,
they are not worthy in your space,
you cannot show anger towards
them for following your instructions.
when you realize they are no longer around
and you want to feel their soul connect with yours
remember,
you get what you ask for.

be big

when the person that you love,
treats you like you are not worthy
of their love,
let them go.
their love is toxic to you,
and will teach you to belittle yourself.
you need to grow.

This is for you

When you came to love me,
I learned the difference between
being loved,
and being used.
Then I learned,
you didn't really love me at all.

is that enough

I still believe in you,
is that enough?
even though you have become
an unrecognizable face
in the crowd
until you decide you are lonely
and decide you want to get a taste
of my world again
(however, that only lasts a second).
I don't know where you went.
I don't know where the love
went.
I don't know what the love is.
shit,
I don't know what I did.
But I'm still here,
I still believe in you
and on your darkest hours,
remember that I am sending you
the brightest light.
I am still cheering you on,
even though I'm not on the field,
I'm hiding behind the stands
until you acknowledge me again.

love is my lighthouse

and sometimes,
the only words I feel like
whispering out
are "I" "love" "you".
it's the only thing
that comforts me,
when things have gotten
too dark.

you let the poison seep into my wounds

learn to let go
of the ones
that douse
your name in poison
when they speak it.

you dont have to be small

you are as gentle as a cool breeze,
and as powerful as the sun.
stop selling your self short for others.
you can be great,
and they can be great.
nature needs multiple things to prosper.

you thought my heart was small

I keep little pieces
of all of the
hearts that have
fell deep
into the well
of my soul.
I still remember you,
and I am thankful for your
hurt,
your happy,
your flaws,
and your
little insecurities
that broke my
"little" heart.
when I ripped away
your pieces,
it made me feel
whole again.

you silenced yourself

I am not biting my tongue
just because you haven't yet
learned how to speak to
and from your soul.

a piece of me

I tend to lose little pieces of me
wherever I stop and take a rest.
every time I step forward,
I contemplate walking back,
to make myself whole.
I have revisited places,
I have revisited people.
My pieces are no longer
my pieces.
They have found homes
in other people.
They have molded into new
concepts,
new ideas,
new feelings.
I used to walk back,
I try to carry myself
when my feet get tired,
my ankles have rolled,
my heart has given up.
I used to drag myself
lifeless,
in hopes of gaining parts of me back.
Sometimes when holding on to things,
parts that weren't really supposed to be
part of you anyways,
things fall apart.
Worry about what is keeping you together,
not the things that you've left
behind.

why "cool" doesn't describe mental illnesses.

In no ways is it beautiful.
I do not feel glamorous.
It is cold.
It is the constant want to stay in bed.
It is loud and quiet
all at the same time.
Breaking yourself into little pieces,
watching yourself crumble,
and learning how to pick yourself up
all over again.
It is missing a meal,
to missing two meals,
to losing twenty pounds
to missing your appetite.
It is not "pretty",
It is not something to aspire to be.
I've gotten to watch the monsters
I was afraid of,
crawl from under my bed
to under my sheets,
and inside of my mind.
I am drowning,
and swimming at the same time.
A cycle of recovery,
relapse,
realization.
You teach yourself
how to save yourself.
This is a type of sadness,
the ones who have it,
don't want it to be.