Cheating Yourself

I used to get excited
to see your name
show up on my phone
late at night,
while i was at work,
when i was in the shower.
I would rush and hurry
to respond to make sure
you didn't lose interest,
and that you would reply
just as fast as
dried off my legs
and failed to rub lotion on.
And then I realized,
I was doing the same with you.
I was rushing,
hurrying,
making sure that we took each
step
one after another
without taking a break,
to make sure
that you didn't lose interest,
like i knew you eventually would.
I wasn't right for you,
and I tried to avoid that fact,
because I loved you.
I made you a country
in my world,
something like
Germany
in World War II.
You dominated.
And I tried to ignore that
at the end of the day,
you had more to find out about
yourself.
You weren't certain.
Instead of me acknowledging that
and passing you on
to yourself,
I tried to aid in your growth.

I became naive enough,
to let you stunt mine.

maybe you are all that you need

I want you to know,
I respect your decision.
I respect that your journey has pulled you
to walk away,
to leave.
I respect that you have listened.
There is nothing more important
than the safe journey of your soul.
Do for you.
Do it all for you.
Be selfish and selfless
with your love.
Share your love,
but remember yourself.
Please,
Remember Yourself.
You will always be there.

be big

when the person that you love,
treats you like you are not worthy
of their love,
let them go.
their love is toxic to you,
and will teach you to belittle yourself.
you need to grow.

To Rest

here I am,
carrying a chip on my shoulder
that gives me the illusion of
carrying the
world on
my back.
Such a small thing,
causing so many problems
and I am still supposed to smile.
spare me
the "i have to be strong"
bullshit,
sometimes I just want
to lay down my head,
and
rest until I feel sane again.

forgetfulness

Your name is another collection of letters
in the alphabet I learned when I was younger.
It no longer forms a specific word to me,
nothing special,
just a cluster of letters
that will be forgotten as soon
as I rest my bags at the door
and start a midday snack.
Comfort.
Because when we were young,
we weren't confined to our
memories of the
hurt,
the boy that picked on us,
the girl that had the "cooties".
By the time the day was over,
we only had our future dreams.
Your name is just another nightmare
in the past,
another thing I'll forget as I rise
in the morning.

in regards of my naked body

the only hands I am in are mine,
honestly.
I let out,
what I have no fear of showing up later
on in my journey.
I show,
what I am proud of.

alone is a blessing

an important part of love,
is learning how to be alone.
an important part of being alone
is learning how to enjoy it.
I've noticed that we struggle
to migrate with souls,
to blend with souls,
but it is as easy as simply
helping others understand
that you are journeying too.
you get their struggle.
embrace each other,
with open arms,
open hearts,
and spread kindness,
and you'll realize how much
of the universe is within you
and how many lives
you impact.

loving for dummies

I wish there was an instruction manual
on how to love you.
I still want to,
but I need help learning how.

confessions to past lovers.

10. I never got around asking my father to talk to me about men, because I never thought of him as one. Instead, I asked him for some time. Maybe I should have asked about men instead, but I don't think I would have learned much. I never really got either.
9. I used to think people were really beautiful with the honesty they had when they're drunk or angry. This is until you revealed that you loved me and hated me under the influence of both. Now I can't decide if you really love me or if you just tolerated me. Either way, I'm gone now.
8. I have dated too many men, I assumed were boys and I don't know how I really felt about many of them, does this make me obsessed or confused? Maybe there's something wrong with me. I think I just like the falseness of their words. Artificial things have always intrigued me, how we get it to seem so real.
7. I think I love you. I know it. But that doesn't mean anything. Just another half empty bottle left after a party that everyone is too hung over to finish. I'm too hung over to finish.
6. I know you're not here anymore, so can you stop taunting me in my dreams, showing up as the angel that I thought I knew. The wolf in sheep's clothing. I get it now, and you can go.
5. For the first time in a very long time, my heart is not attached to anything. I want you, but I no longer yearn for you to be there late at night to rub the curve of spine until I fall asleep.
4. All of the candles are getting dim. They're starting to burn out. I don't even recognize the sweet lavender scent anymore, much less, the nectar of your musk. I guess this is really what change is.
3. I spent a lot of time hating a lot of people for hurting me. Maybe I just hated myself, maybe it made me hate me. I let that go. I had none of that with you. I had no hate for you.
2.I did everything I could for you. I defied gravity to keep you around, and you still fail to acknowledge my presence. I can't say I believe much of what comes out of your mouth now. Your actions said it all.
1. Every day I find a new part of me to fall in love with. I am so hard on myself, and it was harder loving myself than it was loving you. Now it's easier to love myself, and I find it painful to continue loving you. My journey has continued.