Cheating Yourself

I used to get excited
to see your name
show up on my phone
late at night,
while i was at work,
when i was in the shower.
I would rush and hurry
to respond to make sure
you didn't lose interest,
and that you would reply
just as fast as
dried off my legs
and failed to rub lotion on.
And then I realized,
I was doing the same with you.
I was rushing,
hurrying,
making sure that we took each
step
one after another
without taking a break,
to make sure
that you didn't lose interest,
like i knew you eventually would.
I wasn't right for you,
and I tried to avoid that fact,
because I loved you.
I made you a country
in my world,
something like
Germany
in World War II.
You dominated.
And I tried to ignore that
at the end of the day,
you had more to find out about
yourself.
You weren't certain.
Instead of me acknowledging that
and passing you on
to yourself,
I tried to aid in your growth.

I became naive enough,
to let you stunt mine.

lovers holding

I am
holding
your hand
reminding you
of how warm
and close
love is.

lovers in a broken city

he considered me a
beautiful catastrophe,
a city
that built itself up
and let itself fall
over and over again.
we described my mind
as the most intricate
architecture.
he became my favorite
late night phone call.
my favorite
only distant lover.
he was a transfusion,
that would flow through
my veins,
explaining his need
to be there.
he was different,
and he needed nothing more,
but to show his
genuine intentions,
and he received love.
he wanted to grasp
he wanted to understand
what made my skin crawl,
what made my knees weak,
what made rain fall from my eyes.
he wanted to understand how
the sun set every night,
into darkness,
and rose again
in the morning,
as strong and beautiful as before.
he wanted to walk with me.

unwanted feelings

when you ask someone to leave,
when you tell someone,
they are not worthy in your space,
you cannot show anger towards
them for following your instructions.
when you realize they are no longer around
and you want to feel their soul connect with yours
remember,
you get what you ask for.

be big

when the person that you love,
treats you like you are not worthy
of their love,
let them go.
their love is toxic to you,
and will teach you to belittle yourself.
you need to grow.

is that enough

I still believe in you,
is that enough?
even though you have become
an unrecognizable face
in the crowd
until you decide you are lonely
and decide you want to get a taste
of my world again
(however, that only lasts a second).
I don't know where you went.
I don't know where the love
went.
I don't know what the love is.
shit,
I don't know what I did.
But I'm still here,
I still believe in you
and on your darkest hours,
remember that I am sending you
the brightest light.
I am still cheering you on,
even though I'm not on the field,
I'm hiding behind the stands
until you acknowledge me again.

i happy you

i happy you,

is that possible?

is it possible for you

to emit a happy.

for happy to be a verb.

like love, 

it makes you feel good,

makes me smile.

when i happy you,

i want you around more,

i want you to feel 

the joy that i am trying

to shed onto your shoulders.

leaving you awake at night,

smiling,

because you have been kissed

with happiness. 

i want you to fall asleep

when you need more rest

because i happy you.

i value you.

i desire your happiness.

your happy 

makes me happy.

your happy requires my patience.

my happy requires your patience.

understanding.

maybe happy is the cousin

of the strong drug of love,

but i think happy is much stronger. 

i feel much more intertwined

with your heart

when i happy you. 

i love you,

but i want to happy you, more. 

you silenced yourself

I am not biting my tongue
just because you haven't yet
learned how to speak to
and from your soul.

watch how love lights up when you bring spring into the winter

to love someone else,
unconditionally,
asking for little to nothing in return,
is giving someone a handful of
their favorite spring flowers
in the middle of a snowy winter.

children understand love better than i do

I wanna love you innocently,
with no history,
like a kid.
wrapped up in your arms
until my heart feels safe again.

loving you is like loving me

the second greatest gift
I ever received was
the chance to love someone
other than myself.
the first was
the chance to love
every part of me.

i love you like the sun

you are my favorite kind of love,
one that reflects
the brightest,
sweetest
parts of me.

insomnia

I forgot how beautiful things were
at three oclock in the morning
when the lights shine too bright
and the streets are silent.
The beauty in feeling someone's
scent brush against yours,
seeping in spots
you didn't know were there.
The whisper of words
from an unfamiliar voice
that feels too much like
home.
Everything is so beautiful,
so honest.
The whispers become honesty.
The caress of a finger,
the grasp of a hand.
The feeling of not knowing
what the next step is,
but feeling exactly what
you know you need to feel
at.
that.
moment.
and for a second that's all that matters.
those 3 a.m.
memories.