history

chai tea.
microphones.
baguettes.
and the scent of dark liquors.

next time someone calls me a bitch,
i will proceed to punch them in the face.

i will not question what i did to deserve that treatment.

i will not cry.

i will inflict pain.
the one time waited on a heart, they took the peace from my time.

i could not focus on the seasons changing outside.

i could not go without reminders and reassurance.

i felt tied to a dead horse.

i was the dead horse.
i remember exactly how the handprint got on the wall,

i remember exactly how it felt.

(it is not me that is the freak, but shit those times were good too)  

i questioned whether a person can get too comfortable

with their hand around someone's throat.

with their hand around somebody's heart.
do i remember. yes.
i don't mind the memories much, they weren't all bad.
you weren't all bad.
i wasn't all bad.
a lot of it was good.
do i miss you?
sometimes the best answer to a question is hidden

somewhere where it doesn't need to be known

waiting for the right time to appear,

if to appear at all.

love doesn't fade,

real love.
but at the same time,
I'm not sure love hides,
or hurts,
or disappears.
I'm not sure what your mentality
made me out to be
when in reality,
it seemed like you hated me.
but that's okay,
I have nothing but respect for your grind
anyways.
Just don't act like it was me,
who urgently walked away.
I just didn't want to be that girl,
who gave you the world,
while you took the light
from her heart,
and left her with nothing but
an ball of darkness.
I would have waited for you,
but you tried to have a smart girl
doing stupid things,
and honey that's just not for me.
I still care for you,
I am still there for you.
But I don't have time to deal with mind
games,
you need to be upfront
with what you're wanting to say.
Or you need to just continue
admiring me
from a distance,
your call.
your choice.
I will always be surrounded by love,
regardless.

kingdom

there is nothing
more
painful
than watching
my black
brothers,
king made
beings,
with such
mighty blood
pumping
through strong veins,
being treated
with such
hatred.
they want you
to believe
that you are a carcass,
found on the side of the road,
with no significance,
only there
for the lowest of animals,
the dirtiest of animals
to feed off of your
death.
they forget your royalty.
you,
black men,
you belong at the top of the sun,
shining down,
glistening,
walking
with grace.
you,
black men,
you deserve to sit on
top of clouds,
smiling and laughing
and living life
with such glory.
blackness is not a disease.
it is a blessing.
and while the vultures,
the maggots,
work sun up
and sun down
to destroy you,
you will always
be the king
of this jungle.

my words have energy

Let
My
Words
Create
Galaxies
In
Your
Heart.

love

love.

the nutrients that fuel

my every being,

pulling me closer to the

sunlight

on the dark days.

even when I feel alone,

I feel as though

love is still holding on to me.

grasping my hips,

holding my hand.

the maiden name

of my ancestors.

my destiny.

what I walk towards

every morning when

the sun whispers over my skin,

and the sound of birds

bury themselves inside of my

ears. 

beautiful.

love makes everything beautiful.

even the dirty things,

getting your toes muddy,

having your eyes 

covered in 

salt water.

still beautiful.

I've learned that love

is the very meaning

of my existence.

The very thing that

takes me out of the physical world

and puts my words

my spirit.

in the hearts of others.

stop forcing yourself

I am starting to realize
that my alone time
is just as valuable
than my time with others.
I am learning this,
after years of forcing myself
to be in an overwhelming amount
of social situations,
for too long
for the sake of society's
"guidelines".
I am happier now.

do not ask for too much of something

There's a thin line
when receiving what you
have asked for.
Sometimes you receive
exactly what you want,
in a perfect amount.
Other times,
you get an overwhelming
flow of what
you thought you wanted,
but in abundance,
you realize you don't
want it much at all.
Ask for what you need.

understanding

I want him to understand
that sometimes,
I am full of an innocent joy.
I will wake up,
as goofy as a child on an early Saturday morning,
and I will leave corny
love letters
throughout the day,
bringing across the laughter
of a youth
seeing a clown.
Other days,
I want him to be the fire inside of my mind,
and slightly burning up my thighs,
and the kisses on my neck,
and
I want him to be here,
beside me,
under me,
on top of me.
But..
sometimes, I am
cold.
I prefer to be left alone,
to experience my feelings
by myself.
Sometimes I will act like I don't
want him around,
but I will expect him to love me anyways.
I will expect him to love me anyways.
on the darkest days,
on the days where nothing but passion
flows out of my mouth,
and some days I will want the youth
of love.

the motions of my mind

I am teaching myself
how to be comfortable with
crying one second,
then smiling the next.

lovers in a broken city

he considered me a
beautiful catastrophe,
a city
that built itself up
and let itself fall
over and over again.
we described my mind
as the most intricate
architecture.
he became my favorite
late night phone call.
my favorite
only distant lover.
he was a transfusion,
that would flow through
my veins,
explaining his need
to be there.
he was different,
and he needed nothing more,
but to show his
genuine intentions,
and he received love.
he wanted to grasp
he wanted to understand
what made my skin crawl,
what made my knees weak,
what made rain fall from my eyes.
he wanted to understand how
the sun set every night,
into darkness,
and rose again
in the morning,
as strong and beautiful as before.
he wanted to walk with me.

maybe you are all that you need

I want you to know,
I respect your decision.
I respect that your journey has pulled you
to walk away,
to leave.
I respect that you have listened.
There is nothing more important
than the safe journey of your soul.
Do for you.
Do it all for you.
Be selfish and selfless
with your love.
Share your love,
but remember yourself.
Please,
Remember Yourself.
You will always be there.

thank you heart

When I find myself,
back to writing about the
trouble that you gave me,
I realize that my heart is
teaching me how to heal,
and then let go.

for my loves

occasionally,
I ask the universe
how it decides
who walks into my life,
whether it is random
(which I now know for sure
it is definitely not)
because there was definitely
a reason for meeting you.
I can see how
our galaxies
collide,
into beautiful
colors, and
beautiful collection of stars.
I see myself in you,
and I see the sun
every time I experience
your happiness.
I experience rain,
every time the clouds
get you down.
I question how anyone,
much rather you,
could look at yourself
and see anything but
perfection.
pure gold.
You reflection
shows the genuine
intention,
and deep love
you have experienced,
and how strong you have
become.
I see in you,
your mother,
your ancestors,
your moments in heaven,
your moments from hell.
And there is no one,
that I could
replace
your soul
with.
Thank You.
You have brightened my life
beyond understanding.
I am sending
so much love
to you,
for always.

This is for you

When you came to love me,
I learned the difference between
being loved,
and being used.
Then I learned,
you didn't really love me at all.

is that enough

I still believe in you,
is that enough?
even though you have become
an unrecognizable face
in the crowd
until you decide you are lonely
and decide you want to get a taste
of my world again
(however, that only lasts a second).
I don't know where you went.
I don't know where the love
went.
I don't know what the love is.
shit,
I don't know what I did.
But I'm still here,
I still believe in you
and on your darkest hours,
remember that I am sending you
the brightest light.
I am still cheering you on,
even though I'm not on the field,
I'm hiding behind the stands
until you acknowledge me again.

shine your light loudly so others can hear

you are
an edible collection
of letters,
a cluster of words
that spell out
the most delectable
chocolate.
you are all of the riches,
that the queen wears
to a ceremony
of the departing of a life,
and all of the control
the king has over
his largest army.
you are a paradox,
a combination of far right
and far left ideas,
a beautiful safe containing
love letters,
a tragic mess of heartbreaks.
stop hating yourself,
when you are the one
that has been pulling yourself up
all of these years.
you're worth a beautiful symphony
of words.
sing the song of
your soul
loudly.

stay away from the water if you cannot swim

if you expect me
to silence my words,
cover my hurt,
and let go of my strength,
you have no reason
to try to speak to my soul,
much less to the life
in between my legs.
you don't go to the ocean
and ask it to stop creating waves,
because you are afraid of
drowning.

ill love the parts of you that you hate

if you can trust me,
let me speak light
into your wounds
to brighten up the places
that people have ruined
with their darkness.
let me bandage the places
with love,
to remind you that you are still,
as well as have been,
and always will be
beautiful.
that your soul is more than just
a container for
other people's problems.
it is more than the
cuts,
scars,
burns,
it is a beautiful
collection of
stars.

speechless

I cannot describe myself with words.
whether this is a good thing,
or a bad thing.
I am satisfied.

welcome morning

i like the mornings after
painful nights
the most.
my soul likes to listen,
heal,
and repair itself
while i am deep in slumber.
i'm thankful that my heart
likes to piece itself
back together peacefully.

love is my lighthouse

and sometimes,
the only words I feel like
whispering out
are "I" "love" "you".
it's the only thing
that comforts me,
when things have gotten
too dark.