history

chai tea.
microphones.
baguettes.
and the scent of dark liquors.

next time someone calls me a bitch,
i will proceed to punch them in the face.

i will not question what i did to deserve that treatment.

i will not cry.

i will inflict pain.
the one time waited on a heart, they took the peace from my time.

i could not focus on the seasons changing outside.

i could not go without reminders and reassurance.

i felt tied to a dead horse.

i was the dead horse.
i remember exactly how the handprint got on the wall,

i remember exactly how it felt.

(it is not me that is the freak, but shit those times were good too)  

i questioned whether a person can get too comfortable

with their hand around someone's throat.

with their hand around somebody's heart.
do i remember. yes.
i don't mind the memories much, they weren't all bad.
you weren't all bad.
i wasn't all bad.
a lot of it was good.
do i miss you?
sometimes the best answer to a question is hidden

somewhere where it doesn't need to be known

waiting for the right time to appear,

if to appear at all.

love doesn't fade,

real love.
but at the same time,
I'm not sure love hides,
or hurts,
or disappears.
I'm not sure what your mentality
made me out to be
when in reality,
it seemed like you hated me.
but that's okay,
I have nothing but respect for your grind
anyways.
Just don't act like it was me,
who urgently walked away.
I just didn't want to be that girl,
who gave you the world,
while you took the light
from her heart,
and left her with nothing but
an ball of darkness.
I would have waited for you,
but you tried to have a smart girl
doing stupid things,
and honey that's just not for me.
I still care for you,
I am still there for you.
But I don't have time to deal with mind
games,
you need to be upfront
with what you're wanting to say.
Or you need to just continue
admiring me
from a distance,
your call.
your choice.
I will always be surrounded by love,
regardless.

intuition

i thought that if
i silenced you enough,
you would disappear.
i assumed that you
were here to destroy
everything i came across
with anxiety
and confusion.
like a rebellious teen,
i recognized what you could
be harming,
instead of
what you were really saving me from.

womanhood (10 through 12)

X

you are a woman.

brilliantly, beautifully

a goddess

created to bring bloom

to the flowers,

and sun 

to the rainy days. 

XI

queen,

sometimes you

let your love

fall into the hands

of thieves.

that doesn't mean

you should give

your love

any less.

XII

have you watched

the way 

your skin lights up

when you dance in the sun,

and sing with the moon?

you are one

with mother earth.

Womanhood (7 through 9)

part VII
a step forward
in a word dominated
by men,
unaware of the
strength of being gentle,
by a woman
is contagious.

part VIII
she let the words
of her heartbreak
of her oppression
of her compassion
fall from her lips,
like delicate flowers
from a magnolia tree.

part IX
you can ask a woman
can she walk in heels,
but know for sure,
she can walk into a room,
and let her confidence
shine brighter than the sun.

lovers nature

I'll journey softly with you,
careful enough not
to ruin your leaves,
and upset your roots,
but beside you,
so you can know that
I am the wind,
gently blowing
with
you.

Journey

I
broke
many oceans,
climbed
many mountains,
cried
many tears
to get here.
my shoes are broken,
but my soul is
stronger,
now that I know
how
calm
alone is.

the cycle of forgettting

I didn't realize how badly
I wanted you around,
until you decided
to describe me
as something that you
constantly remember.
After not spending
over 15 years,
in the home
that nursed my scabbed
knees,
and held my
Sunday dinners,
I could barely remember
what color the walls were.
(how interesting is it
that I remember the short
rose bush
that housed pink roses,
outside in the front of the house)
I thought I would have a
harder time
remembering something
that I thought
I had forgotten.
I thought I had forgotten you.
Love showed me otherwise.
(The roses are still blooming)

distance

Distance was the best teacher for me,
about you.
And though you’re far away,
I constantly feel close,
to you.

you captured color with your eyes, i captured it with my words

i took out my box
of all the knicks and knacks
i use to craft things
almost as beautiful as you.
you sat there,
in the dim light
slightly shivering
because you wanted to
be crafted bare,
which wasn't much of a surprise
you took pride in your nudity.
no shade of brown that i had
was beautiful enough
to represent you.
so i decided to make art
as colorful as your personality.
i took your love
and shaded the canvas with
deep reds and soft pinks,
careful not to make it too defined
however not too wild.
i took your compassion
and paired with with sunny yellows,
everlasting greens.
my favorite part of you,
your beauty,
was as effortless as the sky,
so i shaded it as such,
light and night time blues.
you were a reason to wake up
in the mornings.
you were as mysterious as
midnight.
your passion i made
with bright reds,
eye catching oranges.
i finished you with white,
you're not easily seen by some,
but with the right people,
you shine brighter than a star.
you're more beautiful than a masterpiece.
you are more beautiful than what i could ever draw.

Tomorrow

Nothing good has ever
come out of hating yourself,
hating your body,
hating your life,
hating the universe inside of you.
Take one day
and love everything about you:
the little scar above your eye,
the mole on your finger,
your "nappy" hair,
the way you wake up in the morning,
how your face feels before you've
covered it with makeup
and disgust,
and comparison.
And then take the next day,
and the next week.
Watch how the universe begins
to return the love you
are pouring out of yourself.

Reminders and Directions

Maybe the sunshine goes out
in my eyes,
when I need to remember
how I got through the
darkness.

speechless

I cannot describe myself with words.
whether this is a good thing,
or a bad thing.
I am satisfied.

forgetfulness

Your name is another collection of letters
in the alphabet I learned when I was younger.
It no longer forms a specific word to me,
nothing special,
just a cluster of letters
that will be forgotten as soon
as I rest my bags at the door
and start a midday snack.
Comfort.
Because when we were young,
we weren't confined to our
memories of the
hurt,
the boy that picked on us,
the girl that had the "cooties".
By the time the day was over,
we only had our future dreams.
Your name is just another nightmare
in the past,
another thing I'll forget as I rise
in the morning.

unapologetically naked

i think the most confident thing to do as a black woman is be confident with your naked self.
and not only nude physically, sexually.
but nude with how you are mentally, spiritually.
be in love with the curves of your body, as well as the depth of your mind.
be beautiful,
let the truth spill from your lips.
don't let yourself be caged for their approval.

in regards of my naked body

the only hands I am in are mine,
honestly.
I let out,
what I have no fear of showing up later
on in my journey.
I show,
what I am proud of.

watch how love lights up when you bring spring into the winter

to love someone else,
unconditionally,
asking for little to nothing in return,
is giving someone a handful of
their favorite spring flowers
in the middle of a snowy winter.

children understand love better than i do

I wanna love you innocently,
with no history,
like a kid.
wrapped up in your arms
until my heart feels safe again.

loving you is like loving me

the second greatest gift
I ever received was
the chance to love someone
other than myself.
the first was
the chance to love
every part of me.

i love you like the sun

you are my favorite kind of love,
one that reflects
the brightest,
sweetest
parts of me.

self love is crucial

figure out how to love the deepest,
most painful parts of yourself first,
then you'll be able to love others
properly,
with more ease.