history

chai tea.
microphones.
baguettes.
and the scent of dark liquors.

next time someone calls me a bitch,
i will proceed to punch them in the face.

i will not question what i did to deserve that treatment.

i will not cry.

i will inflict pain.
the one time waited on a heart, they took the peace from my time.

i could not focus on the seasons changing outside.

i could not go without reminders and reassurance.

i felt tied to a dead horse.

i was the dead horse.
i remember exactly how the handprint got on the wall,

i remember exactly how it felt.

(it is not me that is the freak, but shit those times were good too)  

i questioned whether a person can get too comfortable

with their hand around someone's throat.

with their hand around somebody's heart.
do i remember. yes.
i don't mind the memories much, they weren't all bad.
you weren't all bad.
i wasn't all bad.
a lot of it was good.
do i miss you?
sometimes the best answer to a question is hidden

somewhere where it doesn't need to be known

waiting for the right time to appear,

if to appear at all.

love doesn't fade,

real love.
but at the same time,
I'm not sure love hides,
or hurts,
or disappears.
I'm not sure what your mentality
made me out to be
when in reality,
it seemed like you hated me.
but that's okay,
I have nothing but respect for your grind
anyways.
Just don't act like it was me,
who urgently walked away.
I just didn't want to be that girl,
who gave you the world,
while you took the light
from her heart,
and left her with nothing but
an ball of darkness.
I would have waited for you,
but you tried to have a smart girl
doing stupid things,
and honey that's just not for me.
I still care for you,
I am still there for you.
But I don't have time to deal with mind
games,
you need to be upfront
with what you're wanting to say.
Or you need to just continue
admiring me
from a distance,
your call.
your choice.
I will always be surrounded by love,
regardless.

to do list

I just want someone that

texts me in the middle of the night

when they can't sleep, even if I am

to tired to reply. 

someone that

tells me all of their thoughts

even the painful little ones,

the ones they thought no one cared about. 

a thousand and more 

times of telling me they love me,

listening to my ramble

writing down the details

mentally. 

a cute text here and there

describing how my hand 

feels in the middle of the night

when I'm holding them.

I want them to love me.

I can't keep silent about my love for you

I could tip toe across
the garden of flowers
in your heart,
But
I want to make my presence
a bit more known.

lovers holding

I am
holding
your hand
reminding you
of how warm
and close
love is.

Space

Maybe
my world
and your world
were meant to collide
and create a beautiful universe
on its own.
Something only we
would understand.

Journey

I
broke
many oceans,
climbed
many mountains,
cried
many tears
to get here.
my shoes are broken,
but my soul is
stronger,
now that I know
how
calm
alone is.

the cycle of forgettting

I didn't realize how badly
I wanted you around,
until you decided
to describe me
as something that you
constantly remember.
After not spending
over 15 years,
in the home
that nursed my scabbed
knees,
and held my
Sunday dinners,
I could barely remember
what color the walls were.
(how interesting is it
that I remember the short
rose bush
that housed pink roses,
outside in the front of the house)
I thought I would have a
harder time
remembering something
that I thought
I had forgotten.
I thought I had forgotten you.
Love showed me otherwise.
(The roses are still blooming)

One Day, You will love me

to the man that will love me
unconditionally,
for eternity.
your gentleness is appreciated.
your sensitivity,
when the world tells you to be
hard,
is noticed,
and adored.
your strength to tell me
the truth,
even when it burns the
tip of your tongue,
I am thankful for that.
While you learn
the curves of my body,
as well as the change
in my tone,
patience will be understood,
forgiveness will be known,
love will always be there.

understanding

I want him to understand
that sometimes,
I am full of an innocent joy.
I will wake up,
as goofy as a child on an early Saturday morning,
and I will leave corny
love letters
throughout the day,
bringing across the laughter
of a youth
seeing a clown.
Other days,
I want him to be the fire inside of my mind,
and slightly burning up my thighs,
and the kisses on my neck,
and
I want him to be here,
beside me,
under me,
on top of me.
But..
sometimes, I am
cold.
I prefer to be left alone,
to experience my feelings
by myself.
Sometimes I will act like I don't
want him around,
but I will expect him to love me anyways.
I will expect him to love me anyways.
on the darkest days,
on the days where nothing but passion
flows out of my mouth,
and some days I will want the youth
of love.

maybe you are all that you need

I want you to know,
I respect your decision.
I respect that your journey has pulled you
to walk away,
to leave.
I respect that you have listened.
There is nothing more important
than the safe journey of your soul.
Do for you.
Do it all for you.
Be selfish and selfless
with your love.
Share your love,
but remember yourself.
Please,
Remember Yourself.
You will always be there.

a taste of a dream

I like it
when the street lights are bright,
and I can feel you whisper
my name into my mouth.

I like it
when I can see how shy
you get when I'm in
your presence
and your hands start sweating
and your throat feels
like a lump of overly
soaked cotton.

I like it
when you call me yours,
and you act like I don't notice
how you stumble over your words
when you walk into the same room
as me.

I like it
how I can feel
how genuinely
you want to touch me,
mentally.
Physically too,
but baby I can tell that's
not what is on your mind right now.

But what I like the most is how
I can feel myself walking into you,
and I can trust what's inside of you,
to be good to what's inside of me.
I just want you to love me,
while I love you freely.

You're the perfect person,
that stepped out of my dreams,
into my reality.

be big

when the person that you love,
treats you like you are not worthy
of their love,
let them go.
their love is toxic to you,
and will teach you to belittle yourself.
you need to grow.

do you understand loyalty

you had me in the
palm of your hands, but you thought
hurting me was fine.

you thought my heart was small

I keep little pieces
of all of the
hearts that have
fell deep
into the well
of my soul.
I still remember you,
and I am thankful for your
hurt,
your happy,
your flaws,
and your
little insecurities
that broke my
"little" heart.
when I ripped away
your pieces,
it made me feel
whole again.

alone is a blessing

an important part of love,
is learning how to be alone.
an important part of being alone
is learning how to enjoy it.
I've noticed that we struggle
to migrate with souls,
to blend with souls,
but it is as easy as simply
helping others understand
that you are journeying too.
you get their struggle.
embrace each other,
with open arms,
open hearts,
and spread kindness,
and you'll realize how much
of the universe is within you
and how many lives
you impact.

loving for dummies

I wish there was an instruction manual
on how to love you.
I still want to,
but I need help learning how.

watch how love lights up when you bring spring into the winter

to love someone else,
unconditionally,
asking for little to nothing in return,
is giving someone a handful of
their favorite spring flowers
in the middle of a snowy winter.

children understand love better than i do

I wanna love you innocently,
with no history,
like a kid.
wrapped up in your arms
until my heart feels safe again.

i love you like the sun

you are my favorite kind of love,
one that reflects
the brightest,
sweetest
parts of me.

confessions to past lovers.

10. I never got around asking my father to talk to me about men, because I never thought of him as one. Instead, I asked him for some time. Maybe I should have asked about men instead, but I don't think I would have learned much. I never really got either.
9. I used to think people were really beautiful with the honesty they had when they're drunk or angry. This is until you revealed that you loved me and hated me under the influence of both. Now I can't decide if you really love me or if you just tolerated me. Either way, I'm gone now.
8. I have dated too many men, I assumed were boys and I don't know how I really felt about many of them, does this make me obsessed or confused? Maybe there's something wrong with me. I think I just like the falseness of their words. Artificial things have always intrigued me, how we get it to seem so real.
7. I think I love you. I know it. But that doesn't mean anything. Just another half empty bottle left after a party that everyone is too hung over to finish. I'm too hung over to finish.
6. I know you're not here anymore, so can you stop taunting me in my dreams, showing up as the angel that I thought I knew. The wolf in sheep's clothing. I get it now, and you can go.
5. For the first time in a very long time, my heart is not attached to anything. I want you, but I no longer yearn for you to be there late at night to rub the curve of spine until I fall asleep.
4. All of the candles are getting dim. They're starting to burn out. I don't even recognize the sweet lavender scent anymore, much less, the nectar of your musk. I guess this is really what change is.
3. I spent a lot of time hating a lot of people for hurting me. Maybe I just hated myself, maybe it made me hate me. I let that go. I had none of that with you. I had no hate for you.
2.I did everything I could for you. I defied gravity to keep you around, and you still fail to acknowledge my presence. I can't say I believe much of what comes out of your mouth now. Your actions said it all.
1. Every day I find a new part of me to fall in love with. I am so hard on myself, and it was harder loving myself than it was loving you. Now it's easier to love myself, and I find it painful to continue loving you. My journey has continued.